Polyamorous Partners Therapy

And you thought maintaining ONE healthy relationship was tricky!

Being in a polyamorous relationship can be rewarding and enriching. Feeling loved and connected to more than one person offers a variety of positive experiences and support. However, it isn’t all sex and fun. Poly is a lot of work.

I hear people ask frequently, “How do you manage poly? Don’t you get jealous?”

Simply put, “Yes… and no.”

Does jealousy happen in polyamory?

Absolutely. Even with people experienced in poly.

That is because jealousy is a masking emotion. What is important is to discover what is hiding beneath the jealousy.

It could be fear of being replaced, feeling left out, insecurities, or worries of being “not enough” or “last and least” (the idea that “I joined the group last; therefore, I am loved least”). But keep in mind, polyamorous people don’t have the corner market on jealousy. It happens in monogamous relationships, too, just for different reasons.

The goal, of course, is compersion – how to feel joy at your partner being happy with someone else.

There is so much to process…

Balancing the NRE (New Relationship Energy) when dating a new partner with the attention given to current partners, so they continue to feel secure and loved.

Moving in together and creating a new household balance along with new agreements and understandings.

Feeling support from friends and family during difficult life experiences when they do not know about your poly lifestyle or struggle to understand it.

Deciding which partner to bring home to “meet the family” for holidays and special events.

Worrying thoughts of being “less than” creep up when other partners are not around, particularly if they are out with a metamour.

Those difficult times when everyone is together, but the enjoyment is lost because the metamours don’t get along.

Coping with the loss of a partner is difficult in any relationship; but when a poly relationship transitions, it affects the whole polycule, not just an individual.

Processing, processing, processing. When does the processing end and the fun begin?

Some struggles are unique to people practicing polyamory…

Meet Carmen*, Angie*, Derrick*, and Josh*… all part of the same polycule.

Carmen and Derrick have been married for over 10 years. For the past three years, Angie has also lived with them, and she’s in a relationship with both Carmen and Derrick.

Josh is Carmen’s boyfriend, but he doesn’t live with the three of them. Josh does, however, live with his girlfriend, Marlie*.

Carmen, Derrick, and Angie came in to counseling before having Angie move in, making sure they had everything in place for a successful transition to nesting together.

Carmen was worried about having another woman in the house and in their bed. She wondered what was going to happen when just the two of them wanted to have sex. Plus, how would they each manage quality alone time?

Derrick didn’t want to feel stuck in the middle of any arguments Carmen and Angie had. He often felt like a referee and wanted ways to improve communication before they all lived together.

Angie’s biggest fear was feeling like a third wheel and not an equal partner with Carmen and Derrick. She worried about the financial aspect of their relationship as a triad since they were married to each other, and not to her. What was fair for her to contribute to the household finances? And how could she feel equal and not “less than”?

Therapy is a great way to help balance life in a polycule.

Now they are back, this time with Josh in tow, creating a new balance to an ever growing polycule.

Together in therapy, we worked on how to distinguish between their wants and needs from each relationship and the polycule as a whole.

They learned and practiced effective ways to communicate. This allowed each partner to safely express their needs and enforce their boundaries (this is important, even if not all partners like each other).

By exploring the emotional turmoil that underlies jealousies, those fears and concerns could be addressed and resolved, no longer robbing them of happiness.

They actively worked together through concerns that arise, understanding each partner’s needs and triggers, and increasing healthy communication.

Because many issues have been avoided through their work and investment in counseling, they are able to enjoy the beauty of polyamory without many of the common pitfalls.

I fully support non-monogamy as a legitimate and enriching lifestyle.

Many clients find it helpful to have a therapist who understands the nuances and intricacies of polyamory and supports the lifestyle in a sex-positive, non-judgmental way.

Not only do I understand polyamory and have experience working with polyamorous people, I live it.

Because I live it, I have felt many of the same things as my clients. I have dedicated my time to learning how to best support the community and the clients with whom I work, through therapy and workshops.

I help my clients explore their own needs, behaviors, and goals as an individual so that they know what they need from and what they are offering to their partners. Together, we practice communication strategies, partner expectations, and boundary setting, all of which are extremely important in polyamory.

My goal is for my clients to have a safe space to be their authentic selves.

Together, let’s determine what’s best for you and your partners…

Some clients choose to come in with the entire polycule, and others prefer to be seen with one or two partners at a time.

When adding a new partner or making nesting changes, meeting with the entire polycule can help set things up for success by creating common agreements and understandings. If parts of the polycule relationships are strong but one is struggling, then meeting with just that partner is usually most beneficial to really focus on what changes need to happen for the relationship to thrive.

Call me today to get started! (916) 715-3538.